on week 2 as a lead pastor

I just completed my second week as a lead pastor...

Oh dear God- is it going to be like this every week? If it is-- how long can I do this?

I'm just finding that leading an organization- like a church or a business can be extremely complicated because people are there. I mean, who know what a person's motivations really are? Are they there to help you; to be a friend; or an enemy?

I had this meeting this past week with that same lady I talked about in the last blog; that I've been deeply considering. If everything she said is true- then we need to do some hard work to really rebuild some relationships and reconcile. But as i look back over our two conversations- i can't help but wonder why she didn't approach this subject the night of the first conversation; when all of our elders were there. Why did she wait to talk with me about it? I can't help but feeling like the "nice parent"- you know what i mean? when a child wants to do something- they may ask the mean parent and they say "no" so then they go to the nice parent and ask again hoping for a different result. After a while- the child foregoes drama with the mean parent and just goes straight to nice parent.

Intrinsic in this is the fact the child feels they have a better chance of getting the dsired result with nice parent- possibly because they sense a weakness is nice parent- or an ability to be manipulated.

Am I nice parent? Do I portray an air of weakness- neediness- lack of backbone. a lack of- for lack of a better way of putting it- assholishness.

that's a new word possibility- "Assholishness". I can see it in Wesbters:

Assholishness-- noun- a state of being where one simply doesn't give a rat's behind about pissing others off..

i remember a conversation with a good friend a few years back where he confided in me that he could be a real asshole sometimes. i remember thinking how awesome it would be to be able to turn that on and off a little more in my own life. I find I'm just more apt to be nice- and maybe this woman senses it in me. Like a shark with blood in the water. she can smell my fear? She wants to manipulate me perhaps?

I've been praying about it a ton because the truth is- I need to be firm and i need to not let myself get walked on. i need to stand for what convictions the Lord has placed on my heart. Which leads me to my final question:

"How do I get a frickin backbone?" I know I have a spine- I've seen it emerge. How do I find more of that?

i'm finding that some of the problem is due to the fact that I don't know myself or my opinions very well. I spent nine years working with college students and now that i'm in a different atmosphere- i find there is a large learning curve- alot to be thinknig about; and little time to put conclusions together.

Perhaps if I had more bedrock I could stand. but sometimes I feel as if i'm one- two- or more steps behind where people need me to be. It feels and tastes alot like failure to me... I hate that taste.

So back to this question of backbone. Yea- got no answers there. It seems the apostle paul had found a backbone. he wrote that he was no longer trying to please men but God. I want that. That is one thing I found over these past couple weeks. peoples' opinions can change like a wave going in out and out to sea. The only opinion that does not change is God's.. An old switchfoot song has these lyrics:

"Let me know that you hear me;

let me know your touch

Let me know that you love me

Let that be enough.

Oh Lord- let that be enough. How do I let that be enough on my own? I cannot... I just need you.. Bring on week three Lord...