That man's thoughts on ending an era...

They offered my job to a guy yesterday. We interviewed eight people to become the next resident director after I leave. It's so weird how I've done this twice this year. I've done interview processes for my two main jobs this year; first at Wilshire avenue community church to find a replacement for me as the worship director and now at Biola. At Wilshire, I definitely felt good about being replaced. It was something I knew as inevitable. I do feel good about this change at Biola but at the same time I've been wondering what I really feel about this.

I mean..I've been a Resident Director for nine years! I've worked with nine different teams of Resident assistants. I've known hundreds of college students. So many laughs, so many good times. A ton of hard ones too. As Aly my wife has been telling people: We moved into our apartment at Biola with a mattress, a tv and some small furniture. Now we have so much crap we don't know what to do with it all. We moved into our apartment with just two of us, now nine years later we will leave with four of us. It's a pretty big change... an ending of an era.

I think, up to yesterday, i have felt a sense of determination and a sense of: "this is right", but when yesterday hit and i was informed that they had offered my job to someone else, the pang of panic and sadness began to creep into my consciousness. It's not as if this hasn't alwasy been there, but maybe it's not been available.

Last night I was laying in bed. alyssa was snoring beside me. It was two hours after I usually go to bed. "I should be asleep by now....what the heck dude?" I began to think about how everything was really changing, that our decision to leave was now irreversible. We are leaving Biola. It's still a good thing, but it feels a little more empty, hollow and painful than it did before. I began to wonder what to do with this. I prayed: "God, how come you haven't worked out anything for us yet. It's been so quiet and now we are definitely going. We always knew we were but it just seems more final now.. and what is waiting for us?" I began to think, and maybe this was God, maybe it wasn't; I don't unequivocally claim to talk to God (I'm not Irish), "Ryan maybe the biggest task for you is to stay present to what is happening right now. Tomorrow is in God's hands, and today is where we live...today is where the ending of the Era is beginning.....I live in today " I think there is something I've been running from in this, and at the same time, I think I need to be plugged into all that this ending really means to me. An era is passing, a season of my life that has been so good, so healing and so formative, is ending. There is something honoring to staying in the moment and allowing myself to take stock of all I'm losing because I have gained so much here and have grown to love this place.

So they hired a guy to replace me. and I'm a little bummed today. but it's good to be bummed.