They offered my job to a guy yesterday. We interviewed eight people to become the next resident director after I leave. It's so weird how I've done this twice this year. I've done interview processes for my two main jobs this year; first at Wilshire avenue community church to find a replacement for me as the worship director and now at Biola. At Wilshire, I definitely felt good about being replaced. It was something I knew as inevitable. I do feel good about this change at Biola but at the same time I've been wondering what I really feel about this.
I mean..I've been a Resident Director for nine years! I've worked with nine different teams of Resident assistants. I've known hundreds of college students. So many laughs, so many good times. A ton of hard ones too. As Aly my wife has been telling people: We moved into our apartment at Biola with a mattress, a tv and some small furniture. Now we have so much crap we don't know what to do with it all. We moved into our apartment with just two of us, now nine years later we will leave with four of us. It's a pretty big change... an ending of an era.
I think, up to yesterday, i have felt a sense of determination and a sense of: "this is right", but when yesterday hit and i was informed that they had offered my job to someone else, the pang of panic and sadness began to creep into my consciousness. It's not as if this hasn't alwasy been there, but maybe it's not been available.
Last night I was laying in bed. alyssa was snoring beside me. It was two hours after I usually go to bed. "I should be asleep by now....what the heck dude?" I began to think about how everything was really changing, that our decision to leave was now irreversible. We are leaving Biola. It's still a good thing, but it feels a little more empty, hollow and painful than it did before. I began to wonder what to do with this. I prayed: "God, how come you haven't worked out anything for us yet. It's been so quiet and now we are definitely going. We always knew we were but it just seems more final now.. and what is waiting for us?" I began to think, and maybe this was God, maybe it wasn't; I don't unequivocally claim to talk to God (I'm not Irish), "Ryan maybe the biggest task for you is to stay present to what is happening right now. Tomorrow is in God's hands, and today is where we live...today is where the ending of the Era is beginning.....I live in today " I think there is something I've been running from in this, and at the same time, I think I need to be plugged into all that this ending really means to me. An era is passing, a season of my life that has been so good, so healing and so formative, is ending. There is something honoring to staying in the moment and allowing myself to take stock of all I'm losing because I have gained so much here and have grown to love this place.
So they hired a guy to replace me. and I'm a little bummed today. but it's good to be bummed.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Thought's on journey
I was working today, listening to pandora online when an unexpected song came on. You see I was listening to the pandora station titled "the 90's" and they played Journey's "Don't stop believing"...
Dude, this song was not written in the 90's! It was certainly played in the 90s, by the radio or by the band themselves but the song was actually released on journey's 1981 album "Escape".
Why would this guy include journey on his playlist titled "the 90's", when it is clear this song was not released in the 90s? There is only one reason I can think of.....Because this song dominated in the 90s like it did in the 80s, like it does now!!! Seriously, I work with college students nowadays. These students were born the year I turned 14 (1988)! Depressing. One of my RAs, a major hard core rock guy, told me as he walked in my apartment and heard me playing journey: "dude this band is awesome!" The old guy likes journey. The young hard core braind shredding metal head likes journey and so does the guy who made the song list on pandora!!! Because journey is the cat's pajamas! Journey is timeless. Don't stop believing is an incredible rock anthem and with some bands: they just stop at one; not journey. They have other major rockers like: Just ask the lonely; wheel in the sky; any way you want it (My kids love this one); and one of the most butt kicking rock songs of all time: separate ways (world's apart). It should be required for every human being to at least once a year, turn this song up full blast; roll the windows down in your car, scream the words along with the song, and play air guitar with your nose scrunched up, eyes squinting with each note and mouth frozen in a painful looking snarl. (editor's note: It's a rule that when you play an epic guitar solo you must look constipated. ) Not all of us can be rock gods, but with this song, we can experience otherwordly power; pumping our fists with Rock Zeus authority.... This is the gift journey gave us.. This is the gift they still give us. they rocked me today, in my tiny office! May they continue to rock hard and strong, I know they will on my ipod!!!
Dude, this song was not written in the 90's! It was certainly played in the 90s, by the radio or by the band themselves but the song was actually released on journey's 1981 album "Escape".
Why would this guy include journey on his playlist titled "the 90's", when it is clear this song was not released in the 90s? There is only one reason I can think of.....Because this song dominated in the 90s like it did in the 80s, like it does now!!! Seriously, I work with college students nowadays. These students were born the year I turned 14 (1988)! Depressing. One of my RAs, a major hard core rock guy, told me as he walked in my apartment and heard me playing journey: "dude this band is awesome!" The old guy likes journey. The young hard core braind shredding metal head likes journey and so does the guy who made the song list on pandora!!! Because journey is the cat's pajamas! Journey is timeless. Don't stop believing is an incredible rock anthem and with some bands: they just stop at one; not journey. They have other major rockers like: Just ask the lonely; wheel in the sky; any way you want it (My kids love this one); and one of the most butt kicking rock songs of all time: separate ways (world's apart). It should be required for every human being to at least once a year, turn this song up full blast; roll the windows down in your car, scream the words along with the song, and play air guitar with your nose scrunched up, eyes squinting with each note and mouth frozen in a painful looking snarl. (editor's note: It's a rule that when you play an epic guitar solo you must look constipated. ) Not all of us can be rock gods, but with this song, we can experience otherwordly power; pumping our fists with Rock Zeus authority.... This is the gift journey gave us.. This is the gift they still give us. they rocked me today, in my tiny office! May they continue to rock hard and strong, I know they will on my ipod!!!
Friday, April 16, 2010
That man's thoughts on life transitions
So this week has been quiet. This week has been torture.
It hasn't been quiet in the sense that I've had nothing to do. It was actually a very busy week, but no, it's been quiet as far as opportunities. and when opportunities dry up, the questions begin to drip on you like water torture.
You see, I'm in transition. I have been an RD for 9 years. What is an RD you ask? Well it would take a long time to explain, but suffice it to say: I live where I work, I work where I live. My job provides me with a home, and as time has gone on, we (My wife and I) have arrived at the truth that we need to leave our job. It's not that this job hasn't been good to us. I mean Shoot, I've been here nine years. No, the job has been a Godsend, but it just has become time. This means that I'm not only going to be unemployed in a couple of months but, I'm also going to be homeless. We are truly trusting that God is leading us to leave. Our hearts, confirm this. Our friends/family and trusted counselors confirm this. Shoot, the fact that both my wife and I agree on this confirms something. We are trusting God here and yet, it is true, we are in transition.
And transition is terrifying. My wife had this conversation with someone the other day who said: "Wow how exciting, now you get to see God at work and to see how he will provide and to see what he will do!!" I totally am appreciative of this sentiment and the excitement. I've actually heard the same phrase from some other people when I tell them of our situation, but to be honest I feel a millions miles away from excitement. If it was just my wife and I, I would be like: "Okay we'll find some cheap place to live, eat top ramen and beans, and just live on love man. But with two kids, there are other things to consider". I'm okay struggling, I don't want my kids to though.
I guess it comes down to this place where we are being forced to stand behind the truth of our beliefs. What I mean here is that I am really forced to ask the questions: "God, do I really believe you are there? Yes...... Do I really believe you are calling me to leave? Yes.....Do I really believe you are capable of coming through here? Yes." Well of course I do and yet, then again isn't it one thing to have a mental belief on something but then to stand on it with your life? to stake a claim on it and say: "I believe this and will trust it! I will stand on this with my family. I will risk on this."
That is what we are doing. we are in transition, staking a claim, putting our sword in the dirt next to God and saying: "Okay, here we go.....so where are we going again?"
Transition....
By the way, I think I should add that recently we turned down a job that seemed like a sure thing. This was the second job offer we turned down, because it didn't seem right. We just didn't feel confirmed that this is where God was leading. Even as I write this, I sense the sheer foolishness of what I'm saying. There's a voice inside of me saying: "dude you are a fool". But then again, isn't life full of moments that are foolish? Maybe if we spend our whole life trying not to be "fools", we end up making larger asses of ourselves than we would have otherwise. I mean, what is a fool anyways?
So we turned down another job opportunity, and though we have worked to build connections, inroads with job opportunities, right now, the conversations have gone away, the world is quiet and God feels silent. but I'm not sure if he has been.
Recently I've been given an image in my mind. A picture of the story of the Israelites as God was leaidng them in the book of Joshua. The israelites were in transition! The story tells of these men commanded to carry the ark of the covenant as they crossed the Jordan. As it goes, these men are carrying the ark of the covenant towards the river and the commandment was, they were just to keep going, that they would lead everybody and carry this ark right into the jordan river and the promise was that once their feet touched the water's edge, the jordan, which was flooding at that time of year, would suddenly part and they would walk on dry ground. Can you imagine being these dudes carrying the ark. I winder if maybe, at some point they wondered: "Hey is this really what we're supposed to be doing? Is God really there? Is he really calling us to do this? Can he really part the waters? Are we just fools?" But the story tells how the water did part.
shoot, maybe I'm a fool. Maybe it's crazy. But I wonder if we get the chance to see the waters part only when we put ourselves on the water's edge, and we pray and hope like crazy!
cuz right now, we're walking with the ark on our backs, the Jordan is swirling and rushing somewhere in front of us.
transitions.....
It hasn't been quiet in the sense that I've had nothing to do. It was actually a very busy week, but no, it's been quiet as far as opportunities. and when opportunities dry up, the questions begin to drip on you like water torture.
You see, I'm in transition. I have been an RD for 9 years. What is an RD you ask? Well it would take a long time to explain, but suffice it to say: I live where I work, I work where I live. My job provides me with a home, and as time has gone on, we (My wife and I) have arrived at the truth that we need to leave our job. It's not that this job hasn't been good to us. I mean Shoot, I've been here nine years. No, the job has been a Godsend, but it just has become time. This means that I'm not only going to be unemployed in a couple of months but, I'm also going to be homeless. We are truly trusting that God is leading us to leave. Our hearts, confirm this. Our friends/family and trusted counselors confirm this. Shoot, the fact that both my wife and I agree on this confirms something. We are trusting God here and yet, it is true, we are in transition.
And transition is terrifying. My wife had this conversation with someone the other day who said: "Wow how exciting, now you get to see God at work and to see how he will provide and to see what he will do!!" I totally am appreciative of this sentiment and the excitement. I've actually heard the same phrase from some other people when I tell them of our situation, but to be honest I feel a millions miles away from excitement. If it was just my wife and I, I would be like: "Okay we'll find some cheap place to live, eat top ramen and beans, and just live on love man. But with two kids, there are other things to consider". I'm okay struggling, I don't want my kids to though.
I guess it comes down to this place where we are being forced to stand behind the truth of our beliefs. What I mean here is that I am really forced to ask the questions: "God, do I really believe you are there? Yes...... Do I really believe you are calling me to leave? Yes.....Do I really believe you are capable of coming through here? Yes." Well of course I do and yet, then again isn't it one thing to have a mental belief on something but then to stand on it with your life? to stake a claim on it and say: "I believe this and will trust it! I will stand on this with my family. I will risk on this."
That is what we are doing. we are in transition, staking a claim, putting our sword in the dirt next to God and saying: "Okay, here we go.....so where are we going again?"
Transition....
By the way, I think I should add that recently we turned down a job that seemed like a sure thing. This was the second job offer we turned down, because it didn't seem right. We just didn't feel confirmed that this is where God was leading. Even as I write this, I sense the sheer foolishness of what I'm saying. There's a voice inside of me saying: "dude you are a fool". But then again, isn't life full of moments that are foolish? Maybe if we spend our whole life trying not to be "fools", we end up making larger asses of ourselves than we would have otherwise. I mean, what is a fool anyways?
So we turned down another job opportunity, and though we have worked to build connections, inroads with job opportunities, right now, the conversations have gone away, the world is quiet and God feels silent. but I'm not sure if he has been.
Recently I've been given an image in my mind. A picture of the story of the Israelites as God was leaidng them in the book of Joshua. The israelites were in transition! The story tells of these men commanded to carry the ark of the covenant as they crossed the Jordan. As it goes, these men are carrying the ark of the covenant towards the river and the commandment was, they were just to keep going, that they would lead everybody and carry this ark right into the jordan river and the promise was that once their feet touched the water's edge, the jordan, which was flooding at that time of year, would suddenly part and they would walk on dry ground. Can you imagine being these dudes carrying the ark. I winder if maybe, at some point they wondered: "Hey is this really what we're supposed to be doing? Is God really there? Is he really calling us to do this? Can he really part the waters? Are we just fools?" But the story tells how the water did part.
shoot, maybe I'm a fool. Maybe it's crazy. But I wonder if we get the chance to see the waters part only when we put ourselves on the water's edge, and we pray and hope like crazy!
cuz right now, we're walking with the ark on our backs, the Jordan is swirling and rushing somewhere in front of us.
transitions.....
Saturday, April 10, 2010
That man's thoughts on pressure...
Pressure.....I have friends who write blogs often. For some reason that seems to escape me, they have this ability to think up incredibly interesting and provocative material to write about multiple times a week, or even...A day. To add to that, they have this incredible confidence in their thoughts that allows them to write with...uh...confidence.
I've been watching this blog thing for a while, mostly as my wife has been posting photos and telling her followers about our life. It has often seemed like alot of work to me, maybe this is because I'm curious if I can write a blog at the same level of erudite expression as some of the others I've seen. BUT LATELY........ I've begun thinking it might be fun to give this whole blog thing a shot.
So here we go and yet I feel this pressure.. what should I write about? Calvinism versus Arminianism....Obama's new health plan.....the literary implications of Dumbledore actually being gay (according to Rowlings herself: he's gay...didn't see that coming, not that he couldn't be a powerful warlock and gay at the same time, I mean magic makes no differentiation with sexual preference)..there are so many things to write about and nothing really comes to mind except that I feel pressure...AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH Pressure!!!! But why is it I really feel this? What if this is all pure drivel? What if every time I write a blog it amounts to nothing more than tin foil on the reader's teeth? What if I never say anything important, controversial, profound or even slightly interesting? would I be thrown in jail? no...Would I be impaled, or torn apart by lions? no...not likely.. would my friends talk about me at their secret dinner parties: 'Did you hear about that man...his blogs are so poopy." Yea, that might happen. but even then, it wouldn't really be the end of the world would it? Thucydides once said:
“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”
Perhaps, the future is something I cannot control, all I can do is face the pressure and write this blog thing!!! perhaps people will laugh at that man over buttery asparagus and put that man on their top 10 worst blogs on the internet.. but I cannot control it. I can only face the pressure. lean into the pressure. And write.... so begins that man's blog. i hope it doesn't suck, but heck if it really sucks then maybe i'll feel pressure to make sure it continues to suck. man why do we do this to ourselves?
I've been watching this blog thing for a while, mostly as my wife has been posting photos and telling her followers about our life. It has often seemed like alot of work to me, maybe this is because I'm curious if I can write a blog at the same level of erudite expression as some of the others I've seen. BUT LATELY........ I've begun thinking it might be fun to give this whole blog thing a shot.
So here we go and yet I feel this pressure.. what should I write about? Calvinism versus Arminianism....Obama's new health plan.....the literary implications of Dumbledore actually being gay (according to Rowlings herself: he's gay...didn't see that coming, not that he couldn't be a powerful warlock and gay at the same time, I mean magic makes no differentiation with sexual preference)..there are so many things to write about and nothing really comes to mind except that I feel pressure...AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH Pressure!!!! But why is it I really feel this? What if this is all pure drivel? What if every time I write a blog it amounts to nothing more than tin foil on the reader's teeth? What if I never say anything important, controversial, profound or even slightly interesting? would I be thrown in jail? no...Would I be impaled, or torn apart by lions? no...not likely.. would my friends talk about me at their secret dinner parties: 'Did you hear about that man...his blogs are so poopy." Yea, that might happen. but even then, it wouldn't really be the end of the world would it? Thucydides once said:
“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”
Perhaps, the future is something I cannot control, all I can do is face the pressure and write this blog thing!!! perhaps people will laugh at that man over buttery asparagus and put that man on their top 10 worst blogs on the internet.. but I cannot control it. I can only face the pressure. lean into the pressure. And write.... so begins that man's blog. i hope it doesn't suck, but heck if it really sucks then maybe i'll feel pressure to make sure it continues to suck. man why do we do this to ourselves?
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