on being trapped

as I was planning for this week's sermon something came to mind and i just wanted to write it down-- i figured this might be as good a place as any.

We were talking about knowing in our lives that Jesus is enough to save us. Paul urges the colossian believers to not let anyone judge them- or push them to follow some kind of code of behaviors and living as a way of trying to get the favor of God. they already have the favor of God because of Jesus!!!

So as i was thinking about the sermon- a thought came to mind and i believe it was the Holy Spirit who planted it there:

We can know when we have lost connection with the fact that Jesus is enough for our salvation when God's gifts become obligations to us.

For example: God gave us a gift in giving us the Bible. He gave us a wonderful book to help us know him- a book that continues to speak to our souls no matter how much we read it. A great and wonderful gift and yet when we forget that Jesus is enough- when we forget that he and he alone makes us acceptable to God; the gift of reading the Bible becomes an obligation. We no longer see it as a wonderful blessing but something we must do in order to make God pleased with us! Prayer is another example. what an amazing gift to be able to talk with the God of the universe, my savior Jesus- and to have a relationship that changes me and yet when i forget Jesus is enough- the voice changes from "I GET to spend time with God" to "I HAVE to spend time with God". It becomes less a blessed opportunity and more something I have to do to avoid the wrath of a God who keeps a long laundry list of all i do wrong..

We get trapped by our religion. We get trapped. I know I have been. I still continue to be. i miss the gifts in life and make them things I must do to earn worth and acceptance of God and even my own self acceptance... messes with my head... Some kind of profound thought though...

on week 2 as a lead pastor

I just completed my second week as a lead pastor...

Oh dear God- is it going to be like this every week? If it is-- how long can I do this?

I'm just finding that leading an organization- like a church or a business can be extremely complicated because people are there. I mean, who know what a person's motivations really are? Are they there to help you; to be a friend; or an enemy?

I had this meeting this past week with that same lady I talked about in the last blog; that I've been deeply considering. If everything she said is true- then we need to do some hard work to really rebuild some relationships and reconcile. But as i look back over our two conversations- i can't help but wonder why she didn't approach this subject the night of the first conversation; when all of our elders were there. Why did she wait to talk with me about it? I can't help but feeling like the "nice parent"- you know what i mean? when a child wants to do something- they may ask the mean parent and they say "no" so then they go to the nice parent and ask again hoping for a different result. After a while- the child foregoes drama with the mean parent and just goes straight to nice parent.

Intrinsic in this is the fact the child feels they have a better chance of getting the dsired result with nice parent- possibly because they sense a weakness is nice parent- or an ability to be manipulated.

Am I nice parent? Do I portray an air of weakness- neediness- lack of backbone. a lack of- for lack of a better way of putting it- assholishness.

that's a new word possibility- "Assholishness". I can see it in Wesbters:

Assholishness-- noun- a state of being where one simply doesn't give a rat's behind about pissing others off..

i remember a conversation with a good friend a few years back where he confided in me that he could be a real asshole sometimes. i remember thinking how awesome it would be to be able to turn that on and off a little more in my own life. I find I'm just more apt to be nice- and maybe this woman senses it in me. Like a shark with blood in the water. she can smell my fear? She wants to manipulate me perhaps?

I've been praying about it a ton because the truth is- I need to be firm and i need to not let myself get walked on. i need to stand for what convictions the Lord has placed on my heart. Which leads me to my final question:

"How do I get a frickin backbone?" I know I have a spine- I've seen it emerge. How do I find more of that?

i'm finding that some of the problem is due to the fact that I don't know myself or my opinions very well. I spent nine years working with college students and now that i'm in a different atmosphere- i find there is a large learning curve- alot to be thinknig about; and little time to put conclusions together.

Perhaps if I had more bedrock I could stand. but sometimes I feel as if i'm one- two- or more steps behind where people need me to be. It feels and tastes alot like failure to me... I hate that taste.

So back to this question of backbone. Yea- got no answers there. It seems the apostle paul had found a backbone. he wrote that he was no longer trying to please men but God. I want that. That is one thing I found over these past couple weeks. peoples' opinions can change like a wave going in out and out to sea. The only opinion that does not change is God's.. An old switchfoot song has these lyrics:

"Let me know that you hear me;

let me know your touch

Let me know that you love me

Let that be enough.

Oh Lord- let that be enough. How do I let that be enough on my own? I cannot... I just need you.. Bring on week three Lord...

on big realizations

Have you ever had an epiphany that just knocks you over? it may come out of nowhere- or it may come through major painful issues; having a difficult discussion or just processing something that is going on in your lfie then: wham-o! Huge realization!!!!

I've had that recently. I just realized that i push people away who don't feel safe to me. I push them away and most of that is self protection and fear. And while that may make sense- it doesn't always work out for the best for several reasons:

1) just because they feel unsafe; doesn't mean they ARE unsafe. I shut myself out from relationships and possible amazing experiences; because i'm afraid.

2) The world is not a safe place- people are not safe. I can't live my life in fear of them; or in some inner shame, because then I spend most of my time hiding.

I just became a pastor of a church. This is the last day of my first week and i couldn't be more grateful. So many realizations this week alone. I had several difficult meetings this week that began to open my heart up to some major reconstructive work I believe God wants to do on my life...

I'm sitting here realizing I need a place to process. and it seems like this is as good a place as any.. Seeing as nobody really knows about this blog. There's only eleven of you out there who may have read a post at some time... I'm thinking the purpose here is going to change. I apologize in advance if I come in here and bitch alot. But i may need it.

So last night i had this realization. It came on the heels of a very difficult conversation with a lady at my church. she was civil enough; and graciously sought to share her heart. She shared how she felt i was cold and uncaring towards her. She gave me concrete examples... it sucked because she was right. I sat there feeling this coldness as she shared with me- and feeling like something was ripping open inside of me. I couldn't escape; I just took it because in my heart of hearts, i know she's right.

I have been cold to her. I have avoided her. I have not shown warmth to her; or pursued her in even a remotely friendly way. i've done these things...

The crazy thing is I went to this meeting thinking we were going to set her straight... But in my soul I sensed something deeper- that something momentous was going to happen in this meeting. It was like The Holy Spirit was telling me to pay attention to this moment; to not let it go unnoticed... i kept feeling like something great was at stake before we went into this meeting.

I didn't realize the great thing at stake was my own heart, my own character. Here i thought we were going into this meeting to help this woman see she can't control us; and have things our own way; and she graciously opened my eyes to how hurtful some of my behaviors are to her and... i have no defense. she's right.

I have been cold and uncaring. i realized further, that i've been these things because She feels unsafe. She feels unsafe because I feel like i am not pleasing her now; and will be soon disappointing her again.. I don't like to be in that space with someone... So I avoid her...

THE bIG REALIZATION??? I label people as unsafe if I suspect they are or will be disappointed in me. This is classic people pleaser stuff and fear.

But I am a leader. people will be unhappy with me. They will be disappointed from time to time. and I have trouble seeing just how deep my fear of this goes...

It sucks. But I also know this.. and this may be my greatest hope... God has allowed for me to hear these things- and to realize this. that must mean something right? It must mean; or at least I choose to believe; that God is going to use this to bring more freedom; more maturity; more intimacy with him and others. The pain of the big realization is vindicated by the beauty of healing.

So anyway.... my hope is I'll write here more. i need to keep processing all that is going on. I've been in this role for one week and have gotten my ass thoroughly kicked...

Is every week going to be like this one? Sure hope not. but I feel i need to process this further.... so..That man's blog is back in business!!!!