on big realizations

Have you ever had an epiphany that just knocks you over? it may come out of nowhere- or it may come through major painful issues; having a difficult discussion or just processing something that is going on in your lfie then: wham-o! Huge realization!!!!

I've had that recently. I just realized that i push people away who don't feel safe to me. I push them away and most of that is self protection and fear. And while that may make sense- it doesn't always work out for the best for several reasons:

1) just because they feel unsafe; doesn't mean they ARE unsafe. I shut myself out from relationships and possible amazing experiences; because i'm afraid.

2) The world is not a safe place- people are not safe. I can't live my life in fear of them; or in some inner shame, because then I spend most of my time hiding.

I just became a pastor of a church. This is the last day of my first week and i couldn't be more grateful. So many realizations this week alone. I had several difficult meetings this week that began to open my heart up to some major reconstructive work I believe God wants to do on my life...

I'm sitting here realizing I need a place to process. and it seems like this is as good a place as any.. Seeing as nobody really knows about this blog. There's only eleven of you out there who may have read a post at some time... I'm thinking the purpose here is going to change. I apologize in advance if I come in here and bitch alot. But i may need it.

So last night i had this realization. It came on the heels of a very difficult conversation with a lady at my church. she was civil enough; and graciously sought to share her heart. She shared how she felt i was cold and uncaring towards her. She gave me concrete examples... it sucked because she was right. I sat there feeling this coldness as she shared with me- and feeling like something was ripping open inside of me. I couldn't escape; I just took it because in my heart of hearts, i know she's right.

I have been cold to her. I have avoided her. I have not shown warmth to her; or pursued her in even a remotely friendly way. i've done these things...

The crazy thing is I went to this meeting thinking we were going to set her straight... But in my soul I sensed something deeper- that something momentous was going to happen in this meeting. It was like The Holy Spirit was telling me to pay attention to this moment; to not let it go unnoticed... i kept feeling like something great was at stake before we went into this meeting.

I didn't realize the great thing at stake was my own heart, my own character. Here i thought we were going into this meeting to help this woman see she can't control us; and have things our own way; and she graciously opened my eyes to how hurtful some of my behaviors are to her and... i have no defense. she's right.

I have been cold and uncaring. i realized further, that i've been these things because She feels unsafe. She feels unsafe because I feel like i am not pleasing her now; and will be soon disappointing her again.. I don't like to be in that space with someone... So I avoid her...

THE bIG REALIZATION??? I label people as unsafe if I suspect they are or will be disappointed in me. This is classic people pleaser stuff and fear.

But I am a leader. people will be unhappy with me. They will be disappointed from time to time. and I have trouble seeing just how deep my fear of this goes...

It sucks. But I also know this.. and this may be my greatest hope... God has allowed for me to hear these things- and to realize this. that must mean something right? It must mean; or at least I choose to believe; that God is going to use this to bring more freedom; more maturity; more intimacy with him and others. The pain of the big realization is vindicated by the beauty of healing.

So anyway.... my hope is I'll write here more. i need to keep processing all that is going on. I've been in this role for one week and have gotten my ass thoroughly kicked...

Is every week going to be like this one? Sure hope not. but I feel i need to process this further.... so..That man's blog is back in business!!!!